How To Join The Mafia And Fulfill Your True Life Potential
With DINO TESTAROSSA
Former Mob hit man Dino Testarossa will teach you how to:
• Work your way up from numbers running;
• Make your bones with your first mob leader assassination;
• Create a concrete plan for moving towards Captain and putting that plan into action;
• Skimming off the top of your boss’ profits without him finding out;
• Keeping your mouth shut and your eyes open.
Dino Testarossa was a member of the Gambino family. He is the author of Guys I Had To Whack. Dino will share his step-by-step program, including all the rituals of Mob induction that has helped thousands realize their own ideal lifestyle.
Course fee $149.00
Dino Testarossa is in the Witness Protection Program and will be giving his class by remote video feed.
How To Make Millions While You Sleep As A Medical Guinea Pig
You CAN become rich by being tested by major pharmaceutical companies. Dr. RALPH MENGELE will Tell you how! You must take this seminar!
• How to tolerate side effects such as impotence, rectal bleeding, and anal leakage;
• What to do if you grow a third arm;
• How not to worry if you get injected with avian bird flu.
DR. RALPH MENGELE is the head of Consumer Research for Pfizer. He received his Doctorate in Argentina in 1956.
Course Fee $59.00
How To Profit From Foreclosures And Repossessions. Make Money Now—No Experience Or Training Required
When people can’t make the payment on their house, trailer, or motor home, it’s time to move in like a bloodsucking vulture! BREWSTER BAINBRIDGE III will show you how to
• Repossess homes, cars, and furniture from people with shotguns—with your own shotgun!
• Put old ladies in wheelchairs on the street without guilt.
Course Fee $69.00
Bring Your Own Weapons
How To Attract Anyone To You With Magic And Voodoo
Do you have your eye on that special someone who seems out of reach? HONEY GRIS-GRIS promises to give you the tools to seduce anyone you desire and make them your personal love slave. No more expensive dating or “relationship building!”
You will learn how to:
• Put potions in someone’s drink when they’re not looking;
• Hypnotize someone instantly at a bar into going home with you—no talking necessary;
• Voodoo dolls that will make your perfect mate a helpless zombie;
• Put curses on anyone who gets between you and your soul mate!
HONEY GRIS-GRIS founded 976-TAROT and has had 32 husbands—all at the same time. She has been featured on Montel, Maury, Ricki Lake, Jenny Jones, and Bill O’Reilly.
Colma Cemetery Midnight at the Full Moon
Course Fee $99.00
Bring a lock of your “soul mate’s” hair
Communicate With Your Dog Or Cat Using Telepathy
Do you wonder what your pet is thinking but are afraid to ask? In this class you will:
• Know the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I have to go out right now;”
• Learn how to help your dog find his or her “inner ball;”
• Find out about your pet’s past lives—did your cat belong to Cleopatra or does she just not like dry food?
• Know when an earthquake is coming just by talking to your dog—in English!
MARGIE RAINBOW STARLIGHT has lived in a tree in Bolinas for fifteen years. She now has a home with over sixty cats, all of whom can answer the phone for her.
Course Fee $39.00
Bring your Animal and a yoga mat.
How To Make Money From Being Homeless With NIGHT TRAIN
The average person in America is overbooked, overworked, and overwhelmed. Why not kick back and join the ranks of the homeless? Everybody knows homeless people make brazillions from spare change and welfare checks, and then drive their Lexus back to their condo.
NIGHT TRAIN, a longtime resident of the Civic Center, will teach you how to:
• Avoid being beaten up by youth gangs
• Avoid being rousted by police
• Where to find the best shopping carts
• How to ask for a dollar, not a quarter
• How to make a WILL WORK FOR FOOD sign that works for you!
NIGHT TRAIN is one of the nation’s leading authorities on homelessness and protected sleep. He had a booming dot com business until 1999. You may have seen him on CNN or in your doorway.
Course fee: $49.00 or whatever you can do, man.
comedian, writer and formerly homeless
in the Tenderloin.