By Randy Hauser And Doug Ferrari, Comedian
So Alberto Gonzales finally resigned. He said he wanted to spend more time not recalling his family…
Bush should have fired Gonzales long ago, because he was Bush's lawyer for 13 years, and he certainly never kept him out of trouble…
Seriously, Bush wouldn't fire "Fredo" (as he called him), for one reason: he got Bush out of jury duty in Texas, because George's DUI would have come out and hurt him in an eventual Presidential run. I wonder if that was before or after "God told him" to stop drinking. (By the way, George, you ought to stop saying that -- we know it was Laura who poured your booze down the toilet and told you if you didn't stop, she'd take the kids and leave you.) Now Bush is America's Number One dry drunk. He has never mentioned AA, going any kind of meetings, or working any 12-step program, he just quit because he's so strong and stubborn. Now he drinks "Lefty O'Doul's".
(By the way, why do people drink non-alcoholic beer? "Beer Taste Without The Alcohol". Beer tastes like shit. You drink it to get a buzz, and that's it. Have you ever seen a guy go up to a bartender and say, "I want to be completely sober, but I still want that barley, hop, bum breath, so the police will still make me walk the line and my wife will still be pissed when I crawl into bed - what do you have? I want no buzz whatsoever, but I want to piss 35 times for no reason - can you recommend something?")
According to Federal law, the Justice Department cannot hire Republicans over Democrats, and Monica Goodling testified that she did. But the Pod People on the TV news gabfests shows keep saying it was legal. The multiple investigations will try to show whether it is or not. But it's been proven, basically, that Karl Rove, among many others, violated the Hatch Act, using governmental resources for Republican party political purposes. Wow, really? What else has he been doing for six years? So Rove had to "resign" rather than testify, just to take the heat off. That weekend he did all the Sunday yak shows attacking Hilary. I don't think he's "retired"…)
One reason this is a real scandal, and not "legal", is that Rove and his flying monkeys tried desperately to get A.G.'s to find voter fraud – by Democrats. No one could find any. Democrats aren't smart enough to steal elections, or maybe they just want to actually do things democratically. The fired attorneys did find hundreds of cases of Republican voter fraud (!), but they didn't need to investigate – Rove already knew all about it.
The investigations will continue, despite Gonzales' "resignation" and all the roadblocks thrown up in front of the Senate. But the committees weren't allowed to subpoena Rove, so they subpoenaed Harriet Myers and Sara Taylor. Myers didn't even show up. Taylor refused to answer anything on the grounds of "executive privilege". She's a secretary! She even refused to say what Karl Rove did for a living, citing "EP". They were actually hiding Rove's job description? I don't think that was actually a "secret"…
Before her testimony, Gonzales took Taylor to lunch and asked her what she was going to say. He's a lawyer—and he was that stupid. Now there's a new investigation by the Inspector General for possible persecution of Gonzales for witness tampering. But many Americans don't know this stuff, because some anorexic Hollywood pseudo-celebrity talentless rich airhead was getting her own DUI that week…The TV talking heads keep saying Americans aren't paying attention because it's August. Even the day Gonzales resigned, somehow the big story was Republican Representative Larry Craig being arrested in a bathroom for soliciting gay sex – in June. Coincidence? You make the call.
No one in this Administration has ever testified under oath in public to Congress — another first. There's a reason for that. If Rove ever touched a Bible, it would probably burst into flames. If Gonzales had put his hand on a Bible, he probably would have melted like the Nazis at the end of "Raiders Of The Lost Ark".
One of the fired A.G.s was replaced by a Karl Rove aide. Republicans just don't care, because they think we just don't care. Well, some of us do. It's a little something called "corruption". This Bush bubble of Texas buddies is so far past "cronyism" that his daughter is marrying a Bush aide. That wacky incestuous Bush Royal Family, what will they do next?
Using White House computers and phones for political purposes is illegal. When Al Gore called some Asians with his Rolodex, they attacked him for years! Now that's called "a double standard".
Four Inspector Generals, in charge of investigating wrongdoings in cabinet departments, are all…under investigation themselves. That's never happened in our history. This Administration is setting more records than a Special Olympics on Ritalin.
The White House was conducting illegal Republican Party political business with person-hours and equipment and buildings we paid for. Ken Mehlman, who attacked Gore for a year—his records are completely gone. When Congress tried to see all the e-mails, five million turned up missing. These clowns wrote five million incriminating e-mails?!? What happened to talking at midnight in a parking garage? Now there's a new investigation into how they disappeared. It's endless!
Bush's people violated the Presidential Records Act. The "Bush Presidential Library" is going to have nothing in it but one shelf, with 169 Signing Statements and a copy of "My Pet Goat".